I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
