well I can't set my house on fire every night
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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