Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
