I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
