oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
