from now on my penis is your penis
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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