just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
