You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
