in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
