Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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