i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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