You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
