Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
