When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
