Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
