Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
