Too much gin, very little bucket
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize