Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
