I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
