Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
