So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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