This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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