ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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