Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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