If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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