I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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