I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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