haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
