youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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