Sry I called you an 8
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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