i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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