my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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