Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have feelings that need drinking.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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