i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
