I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
