Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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