I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
