I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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