WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
