Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
