Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize