So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
