I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
