based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I think I am morally bankrupt
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
a search helicopter?!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
