Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
