I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
