that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
BRING THE BAGELS
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Bring me that man meat
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
