saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
In America we eat man semen.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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