Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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