Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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