I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
