When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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