someone get that fucking seahorse.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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