woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
