in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
