MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
a search helicopter?!
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
