Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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