Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Operation Purity has been aborted
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
